Unsealed.

You know,  I didn't realize people still read this. I happened to check on the view count today. Anyway, a week into 2013, and I'm getting my mind back into shape. Grad school applications, thesis work...and I've started feeding my dream of becoming a producer (bedroom producer, but essentially all the same). I've become interested in EDM as of late; nightlife and nighttime culture have held my interest pretty much all through undergrad.

I've been trying to regain my drive. Sort of lost it during the fall semester. Came home after the dust settled, and felt positively listless. I've been barely able to motivate myself to do more than two major things in one day (workout, grad school application, thesis progress, composing). Some days, I feel the spark again, but it takes far more willpower than I seem to have these days.

I'm out of shape, and that probably contributes to my diminished will. That, and my sleeping habits have been horrible.

At the end of next week, I'll be returning to Oxford for my final undergraduate semester.

That's all I've got for now.

On Being Unrestrained.

We all seek to find our place in the world. Or in our world, whatever that may be. Our high school friends, our college environments, or even the guys we meet up with at the bar.

We make sure we're the best we can be or, at least, the best we can be in our own microcosms. While this isn't a bad thing in itself, I'd like to challenge this line of thinking. It can cause us to do things we don't like, for a time far longer than we'd prefer, to impress people we generally cannot stand. It's a phase we all go through.

Eventually, though, we face the idea that the miniature world we live in will eventually end for us. We graduate, find a new group of friends, start frequenting a different bar, going to a different gym...and making major changes in our lives. Of course, this revelation tends to come later rather than sooner for most. When it does, a radical shift occurs (hopefully).

That organization you've devoted ludicrous amounts of time to suddenly falls from its pedestal into the superfluous areas of your life. That girl you tried so desperately to chase, impress, and win over instantly becomes just another relatively unimportant human being. That person whose achievements struck you with awe, overnight, loses that luster in your eyes.

The illusions we built for ourselves instantaneously vanish as we come to understand what our true desires are, freed from our narrowed perceptions. We regard ourselves as the oft-maligned #1 that we have so grievously neglected to satisfy the wants of those around us. We can understand that our egos have been malnourished; our desires improperly fed.

We then recall every instance where we held back for fear of offending another with our brilliance, overshadowing another with our talent, upstaging our peers with our own excellence. Perhaps we'll feel anger and resentment toward ourselves; perhaps we will regard these memories as learning experiences.

Regardless, we begin a period of apathy and rejecting everything that isn't aligned with our pursuits. It's empowering, and it makes us realize, once again, just how far we can go beyond our perceived limits. We no longer will undertake a project that we are uninterested in. We refuse to change ourselves so egregiously to be acceptable to another. We cease to censor, by others' standards, our own personalities and gifts.

Then, we feel that the world is at our feet. From that moment, we are forced to answer the questions we have put off for so long:

What do I want in life?
What dreams do I want to pursue? Can I pursue more than one of them?

When these questions (and vastly more of them) are answered, then begins the road to our own futures.

Ole Miss: The Delayed Response (Or, things I learned outside the classroom this year).

This one comes a few weeks late. If you're looking to read this in its entirety, settle in—it's a long one. In the first part, I will be addressing lessons I've learned and experiences I've had. Then, I will address everything not specifically related to me. This post is brought to you by brewing thoughts I've had over the past few weeks. Don't worry if it sounds gloomy. A more upbeat post comes next week.

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This past year has been filled with lessons and experiences that I will not soon forget. The people and events I came across, was involved with, and learned from are more numerous than in previous years.

Beginning with this past fall; I had my first brush with "celebrity." Being widely recognized by people with whom I am unfamiliar is a new concept. I prefer to know, personally, everyone who knows anything about me. Having been one of the faces to welcome new students to Ole Miss, however, I am forced to admit that I could not be reasonably tasked with remembering everyone I came across—try as I might. Even into the end of the spring semester, I still "met" people to whom I was previously introduced. But it does speak to the impact one person can have on another. What I learned is that when you make an impression on someone, it obviously sticks. Make a strong enough impression, and you gain someone who will admire you. While not one to actively seek admiration, I count myself successful if I can make a difference to someone.

I have learned what falls within my limits of tolerance. I understand my impatience for the whimsical. I do not mean, by whimsical, the idea of being spontaneous in action and in life. What I do mean to address is the idea of being capricious with human relationships. More specifically, I demand consistency, loyalty, and honesty of myself. Therefore, to a lesser degree, I require it from others and refuse to entertain any lapses in these qualities.

The friendships I developed have shaped me even further. When I say developed, I don't exclusively mean the new ones that formed. I also refer to the ones that were strengthened. I decline to name these people primarily because they may identify themselves. From them, I've gained a better sense of maturity, of self, and that we are not limited to one road before us.

The greatest gains I have made are from my friends. I have a greater sense and appreciation for culture, the ability to truly sympathize with others, the ability to listen and just be a friend, and how to offer guidance when needed.

The most critical lesson I have learned, and probably the most incensing for some readers, is to never place my own needs and desires in submission to the desires of another; especially if they do not run parallel. I used to be a selfish human being, but I managed to reverse that—to the extreme. I even went so far as to designate last year as the year of not ever saying "no." Because I honored most any request made of me, I overcommitted myself. Sure, I made a decent income for a full-time college student, but I found myself on the receiving end of complaints far too often. The reasons were as varied as they were valid. I am grateful for the experience but, to be brutally honest, I might have made a different decision if I had to replay this past year. Overall, I blame myself for that. My commitment, added to my traits of always seeing something through to the end, not yielding when a situation becomes difficult, and even not standing up to unnecessary demands, stressed me more than usual. I was disappointed with the lack of reasonable mediation as I bore the brunt of every single complaint. Though I made adequate time for every commitment I had, it just wasn't at the time of day that others would have preferred. Regardless, I did learn valuable skills and ways to deal with people, so I would not trade that experience for much else.

Again, that is the lesson: Do not place others' desires before your needs, especially if they do not line up.

I came in contact with a handful of interesting people who have, in one way or another, introduced me to another part of myself. I grew substantially more comfortable with myself and came to understand my desires, dreams, goals, and personality. This is also a universal reminder that everyone that enters my life (or yours) does so for a reason. That reason may be to teach one lesson. That reason may be to accompany me through a phase. It may even be that they have entered my life with the ultimate purpose to stay permanently. The challenge is to sort out which it is and not hold on to the wrong ones.

I have also learned the valuable lesson to not judge anyone by my own standards. My standards are my own and apply only to me. When I look at another person, I judge them by their own values. I have found that this eliminates the feeling of being unimpressed with others. It should—humans are, by design, impressive creatures. What we are individually capable of is astronomical. Through this, I have enjoyed being far more patient with people than I ever have in the past.

I have learned to forgive. Having dealt with so much disappointment and anger in the past, I have made the final step in my growth in this area. Simply forgiving someone is cathartic, prevents defensiveness, and fosters growth in both me and the one I perceive to have wronged me. Simply put, I don't hold grudges. Remembering—holding obsessively to—a past grievance is debilitating, prohibits natural human interaction, and is downright silly. The other party probably doesn't even remember the perceived offense.

I've learned to be happy with myself. I had always wanted to be always wildly outgoing (I am, at times), but my personality just isn't engineered that way. And for good reason—I can relate to both extreme introverts and extreme extroverts. I've got the best of both worlds, here. This lesson is critical, too: you simply cannot be happy with another person if you aren't happy with yourself. You'll search the other person for what's "missing," and still won't truly appreciate them. I've seen this happen far too often—not with myself, though.

The last lesson—which I'm still kinda working on—is to seize what you want, and chase it until it's yours. Enough said. The measure of devotion with which you pursue anything determines your success. Too little is nonchalant and doomed to fail. Too much is obsessive and, while perhaps somewhat successful, is ultimately unhealthy.

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Next up: Everything else. [DISCLAIMER: While I might sound like I'm writing with an air of being above all that follows, I'm simply not. My writing style here is to be as detached as possible. And it's my opinion. You don't have to read this section.]

The most disappointing things I've seen this year are laced with complacency, pettiness, and being unwilling to live by what is known to be "right."

Personal vendettas seemed to be highly prevalent. I've seen actions taken by those who they would not affect, just to spite those whom they would. To be so vindictive and to hold such a grudge is childish, unprofessional, and indicative of immaturity. Unfortunately, malicious intent can and does breed anger all around, marring whatever noble intentions were originally held.

Competition, arguably, brings out the best and the worst in all of us. It is irresponsible to cast aspersions, as the terms "clean," "dirty," "respectable," and "questionable" are highly suggestive. In an arena where there are limited rules of engagement and the use of intangible assets are uninhibited by nature, "doing what it takes to win" takes on an ambiguous meaning. Being victorious just might mean a competitor draws upon everything at their disposal; which is ingenious in the end. "Shrewd" is synonymous with resourceful. Granted, there are moral debates that may still rage on, but to detract from the victorious for using perceived tactics that another may have been unable to capitalize on is, sadly, to decry the legitimacy of triumph. Character assassination, while theoretically not an illegitimate tactic, does (ironically) speak to the character of the "assassin." This is where I end my synopsis of competition; as this can easily drag out into an extended entry of its own (actually...it already had a few months ago).

I'll be blunt here. In my field of study, it is generally accepted as a holy tenet that knowledge is to be investigated and, following careful dissection and deliberation, disseminated for public approval. Here is where the deadly force of complacency rears its head. Being unwilling to pursue what might have been a career-building move denotes fear of pulling the trigger on an action that must be taken. Fear of repercussion (for self or others), immobilizing as it may be, may draw suspicion. Such decisions separate the adequate from the excellent.

At the end of the day, however, it isn't what others do that should be important to us. What should remain in importance are our own aspirations and our own journeys to reach our goals.

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2011-2012 have been very formative years for us all. I've always been someone who looks for life lessons in everything; especially as they pertain to me. Some sort of discerning wisdom I inherited, I suppose.

In other news, I've nearly finished my first month of Insanity. It rocks.

Music. Art. Life.

I'm back into music making. Today, I just put together a slow song, having been studying beatmakers T-Minus and 40. I especially like how 40 uses sevenths in his beats; not overly complicated, but not too simplistic, either. He tends to use low-pass filters on instrumentation, outlined with an evocative drum track. Here's the result of my study.

Impasse.

I'm currently fighting a battle of point/counterpoint. From birth, I've been immersed in music. I played violin in my early days, so much so that even after severely traumatic damage to my arm, I can still play. Though I suffered extensive muscle damage and atrophy, muscle memory had not totally faded. I've been in choirs, singing at graduations, and even learned to also play the saxophone. And I have ventured into music making.

The other side of this is that I have been studying journalism for the past few years. And one of the tenets of journalism is objectivity and independence. Though I am good at what I do, there is still the draw back to music. Often, I find myself glued to my laptop, weaving harmonies and beats; ever evolving with the styles employed.

Following my instincts, I would love to pursue performance. But I don't come without a measure of noncommittal; I prefer to always have a backup plan. For journalism to be a backup to performance is a dangerous gambit, since journalistic credibility is more often than not eviscerated by attempts at glory.

What is to be done in such a situation? Pursue a dream rooted in genetic ability? Relent?

Should I pursue journalism, my time may be so consumed that I may be hard pressed to pursue musicianship further. Venturing into music may very well assassinate my career before I even begin.

I do know that there is power in these vocal chords of mine. My intent is to use them, in one capacity or another.

On Being Performance-Driven.

I write this post in hopes that others may benefit from my experience.

Coming off the high of winning, I sit back and evaluate myself. Though I began to walk around the casino floor with my usual confident swagger, it was only hours beforehand that I was highly apprehensive. My first time gambling, and I had no idea what I was getting into yet.

I had $200 to play with; that was my limit. After surveying the money pits that were slot machines, craps, and Blackjack, I finally settled on the game that required more than just "luck." Even though I had played so much 2 years ago and gotten sick of it, I decided to come out of self-imposed retirement to play Texas Hold 'Em.

I bought in for $100, sat down, ordered a Heineken, and just watched the game. It was much faster than I was used to. Adding to my nervousness was the fact that all the other players were older and that I, wearing a blazer and tie, looked like the perfect mark.

Here's where it gets interesting: Rather than fold under pressure (see what I did there?), I channeled my fears into my performance. The emotionless face that I'm rather notorious for went on full display, and my proclivity for deception—only used in poker, I promise—began to take over. Even though I was uncomfortable, I used it to my advantage. The uneasy, pretentious-looking kid cleaned up after winning two big hands (full house and flush, respectively). Knowing that I hadn't been betting aggressively before, I had to let the older men bully me a little, letting them push me all in before revealing the winning hand. Needless to say, they were impressed/shocked/congratulatory. After making such a killing (a 200% return, no less), I decided to cash out and quit playing for the rest of the day.

That story is an illustration of how I tend to handle situations, as I've come to realize. Any negative feelings (fear, panic, nervousness, anger, etc) are just used to fuel my drive to succeed. I do this in everyday life. Got an essay that I haven't started yet? Panic for 5 minutes, then use that panic to churn out the greatest hastily-written paper anyone has ever seen. I usually succeed there. Need to interview a high-profile person? March straight up to them, making eye contact. This isn't to prevent them from having a way to back down, but it's to prevent myself from having a way to back down.

In the end, knowing that there is no place for the negative is the perfect channel. There's no time to be starstruck when interviewing a celebrity. There's no time to be afraid when the stakes are high. There's no time at all to panic when academia calls.

This is my method: Any time I am stressed for any reason about anything, I force myself to understand that the stress alone is unhelpful. When it prompts you to rise to a challenge, however, it becomes a driving force. I then remove all paths of escape. When you can't run from a problem, allow your will to succeed and the best in you to surface to help push through it.

I'm buying at least one more blazer.

My (30 Second) Interview with New Ole Miss Athletic Director Ross Bjork

Pardon the blatant SEO'd headline (Search Engine Optimization).

Monday night, April 16th, was the Rebels' Choice Awards. I was out on the red carpet in front of the Gertrude C. Ford Center with my fellow Athletic Department Productions interns, preparing to interview some predetermined figures. Of the interviewers, I was the only male. Which is fine with me; I got to track down and interview candidates for coach of the year.

Side note—I find that I'm not too bothered by women standing taller than me. Most of my co-interns are my height or shorter (there is one exception, and she's pretty tall anyway). Now, I'm 5'10", 21 years old, and having growing pains again, but it was a change of pace to see things from the view of my *ahem* shorter friends.

Anyway, in between locating and interviewing coaches, and operating the camera for the ladies as they also interview, one of the other cameramen spots our new AD. He lets me know and, of course, I man up and approach the man dead-on.

...Okay, sort of.

He was in conversation, so I just stood within earshot, close enough for him to look me in the eye before continuing to talk. I stood for a moment, then decided to come back later. I moseyed around the carpet before noticing that he was done talking, then approached him again.

Within about 10 seconds of actually meeting Ross Bjork, I was elated that Ole Miss had chosen a strong leader for our athletic department.

Firm handshake, strong voice, eye contact...all things you would expect from a professional. But you can also notice his resolve. He's around my height, and has a powerful presence. It made me even more confident in our athletic program.

The interview went solidly. It was his first time ever being at the awards show, and he had only arrived in Oxford the night before. He told me that he understands why no one ever wants to leave Ole Miss (I'll update this post with video when it becomes available).

In the end, I was again overjoyed that the University found a strong leader for the job and has avoided charges of nepotism in hiring him.