Impasse.

I'm currently fighting a battle of point/counterpoint. From birth, I've been immersed in music. I played violin in my early days, so much so that even after severely traumatic damage to my arm, I can still play. Though I suffered extensive muscle damage and atrophy, muscle memory had not totally faded. I've been in choirs, singing at graduations, and even learned to also play the saxophone. And I have ventured into music making.

The other side of this is that I have been studying journalism for the past few years. And one of the tenets of journalism is objectivity and independence. Though I am good at what I do, there is still the draw back to music. Often, I find myself glued to my laptop, weaving harmonies and beats; ever evolving with the styles employed.

Following my instincts, I would love to pursue performance. But I don't come without a measure of noncommittal; I prefer to always have a backup plan. For journalism to be a backup to performance is a dangerous gambit, since journalistic credibility is more often than not eviscerated by attempts at glory.

What is to be done in such a situation? Pursue a dream rooted in genetic ability? Relent?

Should I pursue journalism, my time may be so consumed that I may be hard pressed to pursue musicianship further. Venturing into music may very well assassinate my career before I even begin.

I do know that there is power in these vocal chords of mine. My intent is to use them, in one capacity or another.

On Being Performance-Driven.

I write this post in hopes that others may benefit from my experience.

Coming off the high of winning, I sit back and evaluate myself. Though I began to walk around the casino floor with my usual confident swagger, it was only hours beforehand that I was highly apprehensive. My first time gambling, and I had no idea what I was getting into yet.

I had $200 to play with; that was my limit. After surveying the money pits that were slot machines, craps, and Blackjack, I finally settled on the game that required more than just "luck." Even though I had played so much 2 years ago and gotten sick of it, I decided to come out of self-imposed retirement to play Texas Hold 'Em.

I bought in for $100, sat down, ordered a Heineken, and just watched the game. It was much faster than I was used to. Adding to my nervousness was the fact that all the other players were older and that I, wearing a blazer and tie, looked like the perfect mark.

Here's where it gets interesting: Rather than fold under pressure (see what I did there?), I channeled my fears into my performance. The emotionless face that I'm rather notorious for went on full display, and my proclivity for deception—only used in poker, I promise—began to take over. Even though I was uncomfortable, I used it to my advantage. The uneasy, pretentious-looking kid cleaned up after winning two big hands (full house and flush, respectively). Knowing that I hadn't been betting aggressively before, I had to let the older men bully me a little, letting them push me all in before revealing the winning hand. Needless to say, they were impressed/shocked/congratulatory. After making such a killing (a 200% return, no less), I decided to cash out and quit playing for the rest of the day.

That story is an illustration of how I tend to handle situations, as I've come to realize. Any negative feelings (fear, panic, nervousness, anger, etc) are just used to fuel my drive to succeed. I do this in everyday life. Got an essay that I haven't started yet? Panic for 5 minutes, then use that panic to churn out the greatest hastily-written paper anyone has ever seen. I usually succeed there. Need to interview a high-profile person? March straight up to them, making eye contact. This isn't to prevent them from having a way to back down, but it's to prevent myself from having a way to back down.

In the end, knowing that there is no place for the negative is the perfect channel. There's no time to be starstruck when interviewing a celebrity. There's no time to be afraid when the stakes are high. There's no time at all to panic when academia calls.

This is my method: Any time I am stressed for any reason about anything, I force myself to understand that the stress alone is unhelpful. When it prompts you to rise to a challenge, however, it becomes a driving force. I then remove all paths of escape. When you can't run from a problem, allow your will to succeed and the best in you to surface to help push through it.

I'm buying at least one more blazer.

My (30 Second) Interview with New Ole Miss Athletic Director Ross Bjork

Pardon the blatant SEO'd headline (Search Engine Optimization).

Monday night, April 16th, was the Rebels' Choice Awards. I was out on the red carpet in front of the Gertrude C. Ford Center with my fellow Athletic Department Productions interns, preparing to interview some predetermined figures. Of the interviewers, I was the only male. Which is fine with me; I got to track down and interview candidates for coach of the year.

Side note—I find that I'm not too bothered by women standing taller than me. Most of my co-interns are my height or shorter (there is one exception, and she's pretty tall anyway). Now, I'm 5'10", 21 years old, and having growing pains again, but it was a change of pace to see things from the view of my *ahem* shorter friends.

Anyway, in between locating and interviewing coaches, and operating the camera for the ladies as they also interview, one of the other cameramen spots our new AD. He lets me know and, of course, I man up and approach the man dead-on.

...Okay, sort of.

He was in conversation, so I just stood within earshot, close enough for him to look me in the eye before continuing to talk. I stood for a moment, then decided to come back later. I moseyed around the carpet before noticing that he was done talking, then approached him again.

Within about 10 seconds of actually meeting Ross Bjork, I was elated that Ole Miss had chosen a strong leader for our athletic department.

Firm handshake, strong voice, eye contact...all things you would expect from a professional. But you can also notice his resolve. He's around my height, and has a powerful presence. It made me even more confident in our athletic program.

The interview went solidly. It was his first time ever being at the awards show, and he had only arrived in Oxford the night before. He told me that he understands why no one ever wants to leave Ole Miss (I'll update this post with video when it becomes available).

In the end, I was again overjoyed that the University found a strong leader for the job and has avoided charges of nepotism in hiring him.

Togo Update

The first meeting happened today (at least the first one involving me). Engineers Without Borders is elated to have a journalism student with them. I've been corrected; we will be in Africa from August 6th to the 13th, approximately. EWB has committed about 10-15 years to Togo. French will be most commonly spoken when we go. My linguistic horizon goes to Latin and Spanish, with a little cognition into related languages. The village we visit will be friendly to Americans and photography. It is very clear how pivotal my role is. I will be documenting everything. I'm taking 1st-person notes during meetings, planning shots (odd, since I have no idea what to look for), and thinking of documentary angles.

More updates as they become available.

And Here It Goes.

One day, after class, my journalism professor asked me to stay behind to discuss something. It turns out that the journalism school wants to send me as an attaché to engineering students who are working through Engineers Without Borders.

Destination: Togo. Located in West Africa, this country has everything that will outright kill any perfectly sheltered, first-world American (read: don't touch anything).

And I'm excited. My job will be to work with my professor to produce both a documentary and a photo series about what these students are doing.

Travel has always been one of my favorite things, and I'm looking forward to it. We'll be there during the first two weeks of August.

Along with the projects, I will also be writing a book. (Now that I've published this statement, I'm holding myself to doing it.)

More details as they come.

Journalism 330 Assignment: Leadership

For this assignment, I was to interview a student leader about their thoughts on leadership. I chose Cortez Moss, director of Ole Miss' "The Big Event," a day dedicated to community service.

A New Age.

I regularly take time to retreat from the world and spend some time with my own thoughts; an exercise that I find most beneficial in my life. This time, however, it's different. I am about to be declared legal by the state. I am about to register for classes as a senior student. The sun is beginning to set on my undergraduate career as it prepares to rise for my brother.

At every birthday, I stop and look back over the past year. Obviously, we all grow and change over the course of a year, but the magnitude of change in me is tremendously greater than any other year. I've forged, tested, solidified, and broken a number of relationships. It makes me appreciate the ones I keep close; the ones who I communicate with almost daily, the ones upon whom I won't hesitate to dump the contents of my mind.

I delved into a number of first-time experiences; the kind of which will permanently alter a man. And I walked away from them, irreversibly changed, having learned lessons that have only improved me as a person.

I overcame a seafood allergy (THANK GOD). Shrimp, lobster and crab are amazing. I can't believe what I've been missing for 20 years.

I gave myself freely—needlessly so, at times—and learned that while doing so is a good thing, prudence is the best way to avoid being hurt while doing so. Furthermore, I learned that pain is a part of life, and the best way to deal with it is to not run from it.

I learned that nobody can just divine what you feel—they have to be told point-blank. Not everybody is on the same wavelength (or, more accurately, everyone is not on the same wavelength).

I can approach just about anything with the foolish determination to overcome it and enjoy it. Would I have fearlessly thrown myself at the ground from 50 feet in the air, skimmed waves (and gotten thrown across the water) at speeds in excess of 50mph, or had the audacity to open myself to an absolute stranger this time last year? Most likely not.

Would I have been able to consider everything with an open mind a year ago? Not so much.

Would I have had the ability to shamelessly accept the person I am last year? I can't even say for sure.

These days, I have begun to actually live. When I say "I'll try anything once," I mean it (reasonably). I've embodied that sentiment. Fear of life, in turn, causes a man to be unable to live. I learned that lesson.

Now, as I spend my final hours as a 20-year-old, and my final months as a college junior, I can remain confident in my ability to enjoy life—regardless of anything else—and enjoy it even more as life goes on.