From my perspective; I saw the ones who left home as I did, and the ones who stayed, and I could remember the only directive in my mind. Going to college was a given for me, but I mandated for myself that I would be going out of state. So set was I on this, that I applied to no schools within 100 miles of home. The average distance of schools from home was about 600 miles. I considered schools in New York, D.C., Boston, Ohio, and of course Mississippi.
I saw classmates and friends who had found their life parters, and have either engaged to be married, or have been married since high school. I remember my insistence on avoiding being married until after I had lived a good portion of my young life. I knew I wanted my life to be filled with experiences long before undertaking one so incredible. And yet, I can also feel a kind of happiness for those who have found the one who didn't consider them perfect, but saw fit to wade through their shortcomings to find the heart best suited for them.
I saw what used to be sources of heartbreak. What surprised me was myself. I had let go. This is surprising because I like to claim I have a superb memory, meaning I remember not only what happened, but how I felt. It then dawned on me that through my growth—while remembering vaguely what happened—I had forgotten the pain.
I saw some who are living their dreams, and others living in contentment. This was most striking, as it brought to my mind my own ravenous desires. I have always wanted a life not necessarily bound inexorably to one place. While home is a place to be established, I also want much more than to have property to my name. I want to see the most exotic, the best, the worst, the most emotionally moving, and the most exciting that this world has to offer. But in order to achieve any of this, I knew I'd have to dream, then wake up and live it.
Dreams are effortless. You close your eyes, and you're there in some scenario of your design. There's always that one minute element, impossible to miss, that reminds you that this simulation of life is only a mental construct, not the reality that you have shaped. Yet.
Having seen what I had left behind, however, made me understand and appreciate what I actually have found.
Most prominently, I've found more of myself than I had ever truly known. There are people (family included) for whom I would give almost anything, and I have an unusual way of making that known. I've found myself to be unusually protective of, as well as being willing to check in on, people important to me. I'm empathetic toward them, almost to a fault, and I suffer when I believe I've somehow lost them.
I've learned to trust myself, and somehow avoid pursuing all the wrong things. Sure, I'll make a mistake every now and then (but, as I've said before, I don't believe in mistakes; just things to learn from).
I've found the will to take control of my life, and the ability to accept what is beyond my control.
Although I still appear to be the same stoic, emotionally detached kid from years ago, I still have a massive range of emotion that still gets wildly out of hand (only at appropriate times). I've found that being so self-controlled (in general) is my own way of dealing with these emotions, rarely sharing them until prodded severely enough.
I can shed the shield of self-control and enjoy life at present, caring little for the next day.
I can wake up in the morning, decide that today is a good day, and run with it, unwilling to be upset. I can sleep at night, satisfied with what I did during the day, yet wanting to do more tomorrow.
Heck, I've even become so comfortable with myself that I'm willing to just blindly talk about myself.
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